My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture (English Edition)

⑃ Free  Format Kindle Read ୐ My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture (English Edition)  ⑫ Ebook By Guy Branum ┗ ⑃ Free Format Kindle Read ୐ My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture (English Edition) ⑫ Ebook By Guy Branum ┗ My Life as a Goddess PROLOGUE LETO AND THE LYCIAN PEASANTS IN MY EIGHTH YEAR, my attentions turned to Greek mythology This is hardly unusual for children of that age, which is somewhat strange when you consider how much of Greek myth centers on rape, sexual kidnappings, and adulterous rendezvous between princesses and gods in the form of farm animals Somehow our culture has decided Greek myths are cool for third graders, but safe and reliable birth control is too much for a sixteen year old to learn about That said, I am not here to challenge Americas educational morality Im here to write a collection of humorous personal essays Like most people who write collections of humorous personal essays, I was a bookish child Other boys my age focused most of their time on yelling, trying to fart on each other, and generally not obeying rules The vast majority of male eight year olds love to break rules It is their greatest passion Mashing their food together in the cafeteria and pretending its barf Yelling boobs during a nice assembly where we learn about Irish step dancing Maiming beauty They love it Their fierce defiance of what moms and teachers want out of them is what fuels their spirits I have never understood these creatures A small but resolute minority of eight year old boys love the rules Rules are our only protection from the senseless engines of chaos we share classrooms with They are that quiet, obedient opposition who would like silence and beauty and assemblies about Irish step dancing to be preserved I was one of those boys Third grade is a difficult place for us, so we seek the safety of a world where systems work and laws are obeyed age appropriate adventure books I grew up in a town where absolutely nothing happened Its a farm town in California, but not the good part of California We will get to that later What you need to know is that it was a place devoid of importancepolitical, economic, or philosophicaland any story that happened there centered on alcoholism and or domestic violence No one went to college, no one started a business, no one traveled anywhere but Disneyland or a lake I grew up in a place with no dreams As a little kid in a little town where very little happened, Greek myths made me feel connected to the important stuff There were kings, sorceresses, and human embodiments of abstract concepts people who were in charge of things If I was never going to meet any sophisticated folks in my real life, maybe I could learn how they operated from a book And Greek myths were full of people performing tasks I was too scared and fat and indoorsy to do myself I wasnt like those idiots I went to school with If one day I planned to do stuff that required being brave and bold, I would have to do a lot of research and planning first In the sad, poor portable building that passed for a sad, poor library at my sad, poor public elementary school, I found a series of books They were adaptations of stories from Greek mythology by a woman named Doris Gates they had titles like Lord of the Sky Zeus and The Warrior Goddess Athena They were full of shortish episodes from The Odyssey, or Theogony, or Metamorphoses, made palatable for children I consumed them with an enthusiasm I normally reserved for meatballs or banana pudding The Golden God Apollo was yellow, naturally, and on its cover was a man of preternatural beauty, a 1970s decadence of oranges and yellows and black One of the first stories in it told of the birth of the sun god, Apollo, and his sister, Artemis, the moon I will now tell you that story to the best of my recollection So Zeus had sex with Leto, who was one of his sisters, as was his wife, Hera, but Hera was jealous That was what Hera did She got mad at Zeus about the women he fucked She couldnt stop him, because he was the king of the gods, and she couldnt punish him Hera got the throne and the diadem and all the perks of being the wifey, but she knew he never really loved her This was the cruelest of tortures for one of the fairest and finest goddesses, so she did her part to spread the punishment around to the women he had sex with and the children he impregnated them with So Hera, regally pissed, banished Leto from Mount Olympus and placed the following curse on her sister Not a place on earth, nor in the sea, nor under the sun, could give Leto shelter lest it be subjected to Heras powerful wrath For nine months, Leto walked the earth Slowly, she grew great with child, but no place would give her food or drink or a safe place to stay In the hot sun of Attica, she paced and she paced, begging hills and meadows for comfort, and each one chased her away in some manner Finally, in the height of summer, giant with twins, she came to a pond where some peasants were washing clothes Leto knelt down by the pond and asked if she could drink from it The peasants noticed that she was pregnant and asked where her husband was Leto had no answer, so the peasants mocked her for being an unwed mother and kicked around the water in the pond until it got muddy and would be gross to drink Leto, hot, thirsty, pregnant, tired, all of itall of the kinds of DONEgot up and started to walk again Where She had no answer How was she going to have these kids when no one would even let her sit down Her spirit was broken Then she remembered that she was a goddess It was the most beautiful, wonderful sentence Id ever read Then she remembered that she was a goddess She turned around, raised her hands to the sky, and turned the peasants into frogs Kick in the mud forever, you basic amphibious bitches, she cursed That story changed me It isnt that Leto turned those asshole peasants into frogs the frog part is an afterthought The important part is that she remembered she was a goddess She had been too caught up in the dirty, base realities of the life she was leading to realize the audacity of the situation She was a goddess being condescended to by peasants The peasants didnt know who she was, but important, she had forgotten who she was I didnt know you could be a goddess and forget it I am not supposed to be a goddess I am very fat I am bald I have a faggy voice My family is poor My parents are uneducated I dress like a wet three year old My handwriting is bad I sweat a lot My parallel parking is amateurish Im wholly devoid of the skills required to make any ball go into any goal, hoop, or pocket Im not supposed to like myself, and Im certainly not supposed to think that I should matter The world has spent a lot of time telling me that, and in the past thirty or so years, I often listened, because we all listen The world is mostly full of fine facts and good lessons, but some of those facts and lessons were built to keep you down And I got kept down for decades Then I remembered that I was a goddess I may not always feel like it, but I have powers I am an amazing dancer Im quite ridiculously smart Im strong Im funny Babies like me I have very strong research skills I make passingly good Punjabi okra I have a law degree I sparkle on panel shows Im very good at listening when I try Its not amazing Its not lightning bolts or control of the seas, I cant turn myself into a swan and have my way with whatever man I like,1 but its enough for me And Doris Gates gave me my most important powerthe power to see myself I cant control what people see when they look at me Most people see a weird, fat, unsexy guy who is wearing cargo shorts even though he should know better I cant decide if you think Im beautiful, but I do get to decide if Im going to feel beautiful, and from the moment I first tried it, Ive been addicted So thats what this book is about, the life I was supposed to lead as a sad, fat, closeted bumpkin, and my decision to be something thoroughly fabulous My life has not been practical, it has not been meaningful, and it has been only periodically profitable, but it has at least stayed interesting Because a goddesss job isnt to be good, its to have compelling stories lyre players can tell about her at the courts of kings and princes Oh, and a goddess needs worshippers You dont need a lot in a pinch, just one will do On that Lycian field, Leto was just about the only person who believed in Leto, but it got the job done There have been numerous occasions when I was the only person who believed in me, but I made it through Thus, if you are at all interested in being a goddess, may I suggest starting this book by believing in yourself If youre nice enough to read my book, I at least owe you enough to believe in you, too 1.In addition to not having the power to shift my shape, I also just dont want to have to deal with all the think pieces such an act would prompt.Guy Branum is one of the funniest men I know.He is smart, fast, clever, and funny As f ck Go ahead and buy his book cuz.he ready Tiffany HaddishIts often enough for a comedian to be very funny Guy Branum not only makes you laugh out loud his perspective is singular, genuinely ballsy, and essential Many comedians are praised for saying things most of us think but are too scared to say Guy says the things we werent smart enough to think of in the first place.Billy EichnerEmpowering, funny, and so incredibly different from anything youve ever read, Guy Branums memoir made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me very jealous No one else but him could write something this extraordinary.Ali WongGuy Branum knows everything A lot of people are funny, though few are as funny as Guy, but his intellectual curiosity and moral sure footedness make him not just a comic but a lifeline Long live our Patron Saint of Too Much.Lindy WestGuy Branum is a force of nature Hes written a book that is generous and withering, hilarious and precisely observed, putting his incredible talent toward trying to understand what it means to feel apart from the world I wish I could give this book to the 14 year old version of myself, who probably wouldnt have appreciated how much he needed it Youll devour every story and be struck by how lucky we all are to have Guys gay voice Just buy this f cking book, you idiots.Jon LovettKeenly observant and intelligent, Branums book not only offers uproarious insights into walking paths less traveled, but also into what self acceptance means in a world still woefully intolerant of difference Wickedly smart, funny, and witty Kirkus Reviews starred review An incisive and witty memoir Publishers WeeklyIn his unusually introspective and entertaining memoir, Mr Branum reveals himself as a trenchant, surprising critic New York TimesThis could have been a typical Hollywood memoir the story of someone triumphantly making it from one side of the television screen to the other But Guy has rarely fit the expectations thrust upon him This book is no different and is all the better for it Instead, readers get a tour of his life and the pop culture landscape with one of the funniest and wittiest tour guides in town Lambda Literary My Fairy Tale Life, by Steven Boone We are both a bit thunderstruck hit lightning not burned but filled with higher vibration from heaven that gleams light Barely week ago we did Knuckledraggin My Life Away Where Bad A drunken, shirtless man allegedly barged into several Pensacola homes looking for fight before running fence and knocking himself out, according to an Loves Disclaimer Please note this is private website All content in the strictly belong site owner Any ideas issues brought Life After Money very good friend had clear out of her wardrobe cupboards She two bags clothes destined charity shop let me take my pick she A Homemade Stories Recipes My Kitchen Table Molly Wizenberg on FREE shipping qualifying offers Among manifest insanities currently being addressed what used call culture debate over legalization pot Forty years virtually MyAirForceLife Air Force Art Contest open November Participants will submit photograph their dimensional D paintings or drawings any subject Frulein Klein Da ich Krbisse liebe und jede Menge davon am letzten Wochenende vom Wochenmarkt mit nach Hause gebracht habe, habe gleich mal zu Rhrschssel Backform Signs You Know What Matters Values bring distinction your life don t find them, you choose them And when do, re path fulfillment as Slave Within Reality This was written speech danae SMART June At time poly household where slave Right now I MasterMy Goddess Memoir through through Un Popular Culture Guy Branum, Mindy Kaling In vein New York Watch Talk Show The Game Show Comedian Branum brings his distinct point view truTV Show, hilarious mashup beloved television formats pits comedians Tissue Paper Hurricanes FYI GUY Leave comment could WIN Tissue Be sure check instructional video Step section CAFE Stay Tuned With Preet Live Tour STAY TUNED Town Hall Jeffrey Toobin Laugh To Keep From Crying Samantha Bee Tear Down Boys Club That Protected Louis Louis CK s sexual misconduct against female didn hurt system It maintained The Comedy Attic Attic Corner th Walnut Bloomington IN Powered SeatEngine Earwolf Podcast Network Earwolf home free audio podcasts celebrity guests ranging Aziz Ansari Zach Galifianakis Home Atria Books Vince Flynn Red War Kate Morton Clockmaker Daughter instant Times bestsellers Check Tina Turner feature interview Category Gay actors Wikipedia Pages category following pages category, approximately total list may reflect recent changes previous page Laughing Skull Lounge Voted Atlanta Best Clubhouse Thu Nov , Dec Atlanta, GA An improvised stand up comedy show hosted Adventures Gyno Star Fighting forces adventures these amazing Social Justice Warriors Patreon Charlotte Clymer Elle Becker Lee E Anderson My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture (English Edition)

    • Format Kindle
    • My Life as a Goddess: A Memoir through (Un)Popular Culture (English Edition)
    • Guy Branum
    • Anglais
    • 24 July 2016
    • 288 pages

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